Relationships... We all want 'em. We all got 'em. What are we gonna do with 'em...?

"I need someone to complete me," Susan said. "Someone who will make me whole. Someone who will provide the other half of who I was meant to be. My soul mate must be out there somewhere..."

Susan had spent the better part of a lifetime searching for a soul mate. Three marriages and as many painful divorces later, she was still desperately looking for Mr. Right—a man who would be her knight in shining armor.

I'd heard it all before of course—how two rather incomplete people could come together and become one. But, I never really bought into the notion of two emotional invalids making each other whole. After all, didn't God make us in His own image? Aren't we already complete? Already (w)holy?

Through movies, books and music, we have come to believe that to be truly happy we must connect somehow and fall in love—romantic love—with another human being. We are brainwashed to believe that true happiness lies outside ourselves in the arms of that "special person". Of course relationships are important, but only if we are willing to truly be ourselves and focus more on what we can give to another rather than on what we can get. By focusing on giving to others through our own unique gifts and talents, we will attract others into our lives with abundance.

To attract others, we must be the real deal. No compromising here. We must become our true selves and then project our truth into the world around us. By telling the world "This is who I am" the universe is free to respond accordingly as the people, places and things around us begin to assist us in the manifestation of our destiny. By giving to others the gifts that make up our true selves, we say to the universe "This is what I truly have to offer. How can these gifts be of help?"

By fully engaging in who we truly are, we no longer need to search for friends, lovers or so-called "soul mates." We begin to understand that searching for another human being to complete us is a losing proposition because no one on earth holds the missing pieces that will make us whole. We need only to look within ourselves, to the God Force within, for it is there that our completion lies. Our relationship with Him is what will make us (w)holy.

My friend Jim just met the woman of his "dreams". He explained to me one night how he had been on his best behavior when he was around her. "I don't want to blow this one," he said. "I need a relationship."

"Not if you aren't being honest about who you are," I replied. "You need to be yourself, Jim—warts and all."

"But she could be my soul mate," Jim continued. "The one I have been looking for my entire life. I can't risk losing her."

"If she is your soul mate, you can be sure she will want to know the real you," I offered. "After all, the soul harbors the truth. If your soul is to "mate" with another, it can only do so when the relationship is based on trust—the end result of expressing your truth. The two of you may become one, but who will be the one the two of you become if you're not being honest about who you are? Do you really want to give up that much of your truth just to have a relationship?"

True relationships are based on support and healing. They are never about what we can get from another, but, rather, what we can give. But for the healing to take place, for powerful relationships to be born, we must first show each other our scars. We must bear our souls and truly express who we are. We can't "fake it" and wear only a happy face. By sharing our pain with each other, we "come clean" with ourselves and encourage love to seek an entrance through our open wounds.

When we develop relationships based on a mutual sharing of our life stories, our pains, our wounds, we begin to detoxify our souls. We allow our friends, our lovers, to assist in the healing as we do the same for them. We expose our true selves knowing full-well that others may not find us appealing. But we also know that we would rather be rejected for being who we are, than be accepted for being something or someone we are not. The power comes from being ourselves and letting others decide if they want to be part of our lives. In bare-bones terms, we must scream at the top of our lungs "Take me for who I am or don't take me at all!"

And then there's the need for perfection. Many of us want only "perfect" relationships. You know, the hassle-free kind where the other person behaves exactly the way we want them to; sterile, low maintenance friends who don't require a great deal of "baby sitting". We want to stay within our comfort zones and not have to listen to other people's problems. "Just show me your good side," we say. "Take your problems to a shrink."

But guess what? You will never grow or learn the lessons you came to earth to learn by hanging around people who never challenge you. If someone knows how to push your buttons and bring out the worst in you, thank them! They are showing you the areas in your life where your ego is still in charge. That's probably why you chose to bring them into your life in the first place.

If we really want to grow from our relationships, we must allow others to freely express themselves. We must take it all in and learn from their mistakes without allowing our own inner-peace to be compromised. We must surrender our own agenda and allow the relationship to synergistically unfold. We must learn to love unconditionally. We must learn acceptance and become more God-like. Let's face it; this is tough stuff!

God wants us to engage in relationships that teach us how to love more purely. He wants us to learn how to relate to others the way He relates to us-with unconditional love. To learn this lesson, we must love others for who and what they are, not who or what we want them to be. The moment we can do this, is the moment we know that our relationship with another human being is genuine and honest. We must be willing to say "I accept you just as you are."

Of course, not everyone will befriend us. But just as a miner pans for gold, the relationships that were not meant to be will fall through the sifter exposing the wonderful friends, lovers and acquaintances that will enrich our lives and more clearly define our path. These (w)holy relationships will be based on truth and honesty. They will serve to reveal us for who we really are.

Just as relationships can add life and vigor to our earthly experiences, so too can they be toxic. In fact, continuing the relationship with the wrong person can be down right fatal. Physical abuse is an obvious life threatening bi-product of a bad relationship, but verbal abuse and the need for control can be just as damaging. I have often contemplated why some seemingly "normal" individuals stay in relationships of abuse. Then I met Carol...

We met over the telephone after she had read one of my columns and called to say how much the main character reminded her of herself. I do a great deal of writing and it took me a minute to remember exactly which story and character she was referring to. And then it suddenly struck me! She was comparing herself to a character that had endured a lifetime of verbal abuse under the hurtful words of an abusive and alcoholic husband.

As she told me her story, we both cried until a sudden silence fell over our conversation. "I can't just give up on him you know," she finally whispered. "It's the only thing close to a relationship I have ever had. I believe God has kept me here for a reason. But, now, leaving seems like the best thing to do. It will be painful but I need to do whatever it takes to help him."

"Perhaps giving up and getting out is exactly what you need to do Carol," I responded. "Actions speak louder than words. By leaving him, you may be teaching him the lesson God had in mind all along."

Carol's experience demonstrates that in many cases our relationships with others are assignments from the God Force; assignments that we must all take seriously. People come into our lives for one of two reasons: To teach us or to learn from us. Nothing is accidental when it comes to our involvement with other human beings. We enter into each other's lives for the divine purpose of enlightenment and better understanding our own truth. It all sounds so wonderful but often the journey is anything but. Especially when we're doing the teaching.

The relationships that feel the most draining, as if we are not getting anything out of them, are often the ones where we're called to do the teaching. In Carol's case, she finally separated from her abusive husband, and in doing so, taught him a very important lesson about how to treat another human being. He is currently in counseling surrounded by other loving individuals who have been "assigned" to him. She walked away. He woke up. Had Carol not had the strength to play the teaching role, her husband (who she recently returned to), may have never changed.

In the end, it seems that improving our relationships is more about changing our hearts and minds than about changing our partners or friends. By refocusing on our spiritual walk and our oneness with the divine universe, by projecting our true selves into the world, we will uncover the person we were meant to be and help others to do the same. We will begin to attract into our lives those souls that God has assigned to us and push away the toxic relationships that serve no useful purpose. We will see that we are complete just as we are, for we were created in the image of God, our loving and eternal soul mate.

Some Things To Consider

Effective immediately: Let love flow from your life and into the world. Change your mind about how you see others and embrace them with kindness. Let your heart hang a little further down your sleeve and let people see your scars and the authentic you. The energy you send out into the world is what will come back to you in the form of relationships. Send out genuine love, with honesty and grace, and that is precisely what will return.

All Rights Reserved © 2002 By Jeffrey Alan Hall